She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
