on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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