I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
