I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Randomize
