i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize