We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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