im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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