I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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