God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
