the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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