GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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