I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
