Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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