No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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