can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize