she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
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