We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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