you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
