dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I believe in your delicious
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
