some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
