I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
