If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
