I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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