I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize