Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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