Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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