i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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