no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
