There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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