this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
