so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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