My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
