remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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