I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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