You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
