i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
