yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
