3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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