Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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