you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
