note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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