I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
