You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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