yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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