Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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