i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
