I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
