i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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