Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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