I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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