Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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