I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
