For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
