No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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