My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
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