My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Even my vagina gasped.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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