He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
