Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
