Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
